How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is often hidden, and the person experiencing it may not use the word "abuse" to describe their situation. Signs to watch for include:

Behavioral changes: they seem anxious, fearful, or depressed. They withdraw from friends, family, and activities they used to enjoy. They make excuses for their partner's behavior.

Physical signs: unexplained injuries, wearing clothing to cover bruises (long sleeves in summer, sunglasses indoors), frequent "accidents."

Controlling behavior from their partner: their partner monitors their phone, email, or social media; controls their finances; dictates what they wear, where they go, and who they see; shows extreme jealousy; humiliates them in public or private.

Isolation: they have become increasingly cut off from friends and family. They always need their partner's permission to go somewhere. They are rarely seen alone.

Fear: they seem afraid of their partner or are extremely anxious about upsetting them. They check in constantly with their partner. They change their behavior based on their partner's mood.

Abuse is not always physical. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, digital abuse (monitoring, stalking through technology), and coercive control are all forms of domestic violence. The absence of physical violence does not mean the absence of abuse.

Having the right words can make a profound difference. Here are things that help:

"I believe you." This may be the most powerful thing you can say. Abusers often tell their victims that no one will believe them. Saying "I believe you" counters that and validates their experience.

"This is not your fault." Survivors often blame themselves. They may have been told by the abuser that they caused the abuse. They need to hear clearly that the abuse is the abuser's choice and responsibility.

"You do not deserve this." No matter what the circumstances, no one deserves to be abused.

"I am here for you, whatever you decide." This tells them you will not abandon them, even if they are not ready to leave. This unconditional support is essential because abusers create isolation — knowing someone is truly there can be the lifeline they need.

"What do you need from me?" Let them tell you how you can help. They may need a place to stay, someone to watch their children, help with logistics, or simply someone to listen.

"There are people who can help." Share the National DV Hotline number (1-800-799-7233) and offer to sit with them while they call if they want. Do not push — just let them know the resource exists.

Well-meaning people sometimes say things that unintentionally harm the survivor. Avoid these:

"Why don't you just leave?" This is the most common and most damaging question. Leaving is not simple. The survivor may face increased violence when leaving, have nowhere to go, have no money, fear losing custody of their children, fear deportation, face cultural or religious pressure to stay, or still love the person who is abusing them. The question implies the abuse is their fault for staying.

"If it were me, I would..." You do not know what you would do in their situation. Comparing yourself to them minimizes their experience and can feel judgmental.

"What did you do to make them so angry?" Nothing justifies abuse. This question implies the survivor caused the violence.

"They seem so nice — are you sure?" Abusers are often charming, charismatic, and well-liked in public. Expressing disbelief tells the survivor they will not be believed.

"You need to leave for the sake of your children." While children are harmed by witnessing abuse, this statement adds guilt and pressure. It can also backfire — the survivor may feel that staying is actually safer for the children because they can monitor the abuser's behavior.

"I'm going to call the police." Do not call the police without the survivor's consent unless someone is in immediate physical danger. The survivor knows their situation best — involving police without their agreement can escalate danger and take away their control.

"You need to go to therapy / get counseling." While counseling can be incredibly helpful, telling someone what they "need" to do takes away their agency. Couples counseling is actually dangerous in DV situations because the abuser can use things said in counseling against the survivor.

Concrete actions you can take to support someone experiencing abuse:

Be a consistent, safe presence. Check in regularly. The abuser may be isolating them, so your continued contact matters. If they stop responding, keep reaching out — gently. They may need you later.

Listen. Sometimes the most helpful thing is simply listening without trying to fix the situation. Let them talk, vent, or cry without jumping in with solutions.

Help with safety planning. If they are open to it, help them create a safety plan. This could include offering to hold copies of important documents, storing an emergency bag at your home, establishing a code word that signals they need help, or being a contact person for their children's school. See our safety planning guide for details.

Offer practical help. This might include a place to stay (even temporarily), rides to appointments or court dates, help with childcare, lending them a phone the abuser does not know about, or helping them research shelters, legal aid, or other resources.

Do not give ultimatums. Statements like "either you leave or I am done" mirror the controlling behavior of the abuser. Be patient. On average, a survivor leaves and returns seven times before leaving permanently. Each time they return may feel frustrating to you, but each attempt is a step in the process.

Respect their decisions. Even if you disagree with their choices, respect their autonomy. They are the expert on their own situation and their own safety. Supporting their right to make decisions — even ones you would not make — is the opposite of what the abuser does.

This is one of the most difficult decisions a supporter faces. General guidance:

If someone is in immediate physical danger, call 911. When a life is at risk, you should not wait for the survivor's permission.

If children are being abused or neglected, you may be legally required to report it depending on your state and your relationship to the child. In most states, anyone who suspects child abuse or neglect can make a report — and certain professionals (teachers, doctors, clergy) are mandated reporters.

In all other situations, talk to the survivor first. Explain your concern and ask how they feel about involving authorities. Respect their answer. They may have very valid reasons for not wanting police involved — fear of the abuser's retaliation, immigration concerns, distrust of law enforcement, or a belief that it will make things worse.

If you are unsure what to do, call the National DV Hotline (1-800-799-7233) yourself. You do not have to be the survivor to call. Advocates can help you think through the situation and figure out the safest course of action.

Document what you observe: if you witness injuries, threatening behavior, or concerning patterns, write down dates, times, and details. This documentation can be important if the survivor later needs evidence for a protective order or custody case. Keep these notes in a secure place.

It is common for survivors to return to an abusive relationship — sometimes multiple times. This can be incredibly frustrating and painful for supporters. Understanding why can help you stay supportive:

The abuser may promise to change. After an abusive episode, many abusers go through a "honeymoon phase" where they are remorseful, loving, and promising it will never happen again. The survivor may genuinely believe and hope that the abuse will stop.

Leaving is complicated. Financial dependence, children, housing, immigration status, fear of escalated violence, cultural and family pressure, love, trauma bonding, and lack of support all make leaving extraordinarily difficult.

Leaving is dangerous. The risk of lethal violence increases dramatically when a survivor leaves or attempts to leave. They may go back because they believe it is literally safer.

What you should do: do not punish them for going back. Do not say "I told you so." Do not withdraw your support. Let them know your door is still open. Say something like: "I am glad you are okay. I am still here whenever you need me." Every time they leave — even if they go back — they gather more information, build more strength, and get closer to permanent safety.

What you should not do: do not stop caring. Do not stop reaching out. Do not stop being a safe person they can turn to. The moment they are ready, they need to know someone is there.

Supporting someone in an abusive relationship is emotionally draining. Compassion fatigue, frustration, anxiety, and helplessness are all normal reactions. You cannot help anyone if you are burned out.

Set boundaries: It is okay to say "I care about you and I want to help, but I need to take a break tonight." You can be supportive without being available 24/7.

Talk to someone: The National DV Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is also for supporters. You can call to talk through your feelings, get advice on how to help, and find local support resources.

Seek your own support: A therapist, counselor, support group, or trusted friend can help you process your feelings. Look for support groups for friends and family of DV survivors in your area.

Accept what you cannot control: You cannot make someone leave an abusive relationship. You cannot control the abuser's behavior. What you can control is being a safe, supportive, consistent presence. That alone has more power than you may realize.

Recognize secondary trauma: Hearing about someone's abuse can affect your own mental health. Difficulty sleeping, intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, and emotional numbness are signs that you may need additional support. This is not weakness — it is a normal response to an abnormal situation.