How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence

Ask whether messages, calls, voicemail, links or visits are welcome and how they could appear to someone monitoring the person's device or accounts. Agree on what to do if a planned check-in is missed. No reply is not permission to send repeated messages or arrive unannounced.

Example questions to adapt: Is this a good time to talk? Would you prefer to contact me? Is it okay to leave a message? What should I do if I cannot reach you? Do not send a message about abuse just to ask these questions if that message itself could expose them.

A borrowed phone or new account is not automatically private. Shared cloud accounts, notifications and account recovery can reveal contact. Avoid changing the person's settings or removing monitoring tools for them without discussing possible escalation and evidence loss with an advocate.

Choose an opportunity when the person can talk without the abusive partner present. Describe what concerned you without diagnosing the relationship from an injury, mood change or missed appointment. Let them decide how much to share.

Example: I was concerned when I heard the threats yesterday. You do not have to explain anything to me. Would you like me to listen, help with something practical, or give you space?

If they disclose abuse, acknowledge that they do not deserve it. Avoid interrogating them, blaming them for staying, or arguing that the partner seems too nice to be abusive. You can offer support even if they do not use the word abuse.

An offer is easier to assess when it names what you can actually provide: a ride, groceries, company at an appointment, or help finding a service. Ask what would be useful before booking, paying, contacting others or moving belongings.

Example: I can drive on Tuesday between 10 and noon. Would that help? Where should we meet, and what should I do if the plan changes?

Before relying on a shelter or another provider, confirm the actual arrangement with them. Consider a backup if the first offer falls through. If children are involved, check authorized pickup and applicable custody arrangements rather than deciding to relocate or withhold children yourself.

Staying or returning does not cancel their right to support. Avoid ultimatums or treating the number of departures as a measure of progress. You cannot infer that another departure will produce permanent safety.

Example: I care about you. The offer to talk is still open. Has anything changed about how you want me to contact you?

Revisit what they want now; an earlier agreement may no longer fit. Safety planning can address staying, leaving or life after leaving. Our planning guide offers general questions to discuss with an advocate, not an individualized plan or a required checklist.

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 if you can do so safely. Do not put yourself in danger by confronting the abusive person.

Outside an emergency, ask the survivor about involving police when possible. An unrequested intervention may expose them to retaliation or other consequences. A blanket promise never to contact authorities is also inappropriate when a reporting duty may apply.

If you are unsure about a nonemergency situation, describe your concern to a Hotline advocate using a safer contact method. They can discuss options; this page cannot assess an individual's danger level or promise a particular response from police.

Child-abuse reporting laws differ: some states require reports from specified professionals and some require them from everyone. Dependent-adult reporting rules can also apply. Check the relevant jurisdiction, your role, what must be reported, the receiving agency and any deadline. Iowa's linked guidance is one state example, not the rule for the entire country.

Do not wait for a person's permission when the applicable law requires you to report. Do not delay a required report to gather proof or try to investigate the situation yourself. Explain any limits on confidentiality when possible, without making an assurance you cannot keep.

Use the government's reporting resources to locate the appropriate agency. Childhelp at 800-422-4453 provides support and referrals; calling an advice hotline is not necessarily the required report. Child Welfare Information Gateway itself does not accept abuse reports.

With the person's permission, discuss whether and how to preserve information they want help documenting. Consider who can access your notes, shared photo storage or messages. Ask an advocate or lawyer about safer preservation and any legal questions; do not promise evidence will produce a protective order or custody outcome.

Avoid posting their location or situation on social media. Before telling a workplace, school, neighbor or relative, discuss what can be shared and with whom, subject to any required report. You do not need to circulate their story to offer a ride or a meal.

You can care about someone without providing money, housing or round-the-clock availability. State your limits without blaming them for abuse or tying help to a decision to leave.

Example: I cannot host anyone overnight. I can help you contact an advocate this afternoon if you want.

Make time for rest and your own support. The Hotline also speaks with friends and family. If your own well-being is affected, consider professional support. You are not responsible for controlling the abusive person's actions.